Rating anything is inherently arbitrary. Our rating scheme aims to draw relative equivalancies between things, so any two given things with the same rating are thought to be approximately "as good."

One person's Sweet Home Alabama is another's Sprecher Root Beer. And so, Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band equals Negra Modelo equals Kellogg's Corn Pops. 🤷🏿

shiny dr. teeth tooth
Shiny Dr. Teeth Tooth
Our highest rating is reserved for those things that bring us exceptional joy and delight.

Seven Cute L'il Puppies
With Seven Cute L'il Puppies, you can't go wrong. How cute is that?

Six Cute L'il Puppies
Six puppies is pretty cute, but not as cute as seven.

Five Cute L'il Puppies
Five puppies provide ample cuteness, but also five puppies' worth of puppymess.

Four Cute L'il Puppies
When four puppies are around, you sort of wish you had either more, or fewer.

Three Cute L'il Puppies
Three puppies can be annoying, especially if one of them keeps barking.

Two Cute L'il Puppies
Two puppies are bound to start fighting at some point.

One Cute L'il Puppies
Compared to situations where you have LOTS of Cute L'il Puppies, one is just needy, stinky, and pathetic.

this shit blows
Blows Shit
When something doesn't deserve even ONE Cute L'il Puppy, all that can be said is: "This Shit Blows."

the finger
The Finger
Beyond Blowing Shit, sometimes a thing will go the extra distance to be BELLIGERENTLY bad. Those we give The Finger.

blank stare
Blank Stare
Occasionally there is something that, try as we might, we just don't get. These get the Blank Stare.

the haughty yawn
The Haughty Yawn of Complete Indifference
Reserved for those things that are, despite possible quality and/or enjoyability depending on your perspective, completely uninteresting to us.

Other ratings are invented on the spot when none of the above will do.