Catching Up With … Unreleased Celebrity Albums

It's been awhile since our last comprehensive look at unreleased celebrity albums that all somehow have pun-filled titles, so let's see what we've been missing!

To Be Blunt    The M.A.I.S.I.E. Age    Slattery Will Get You Everywhere

Emily Blunt - "To Be Blunt"
The aborted initial soundtrack to "A Quiet Place" contained frankly very boring renditions of Simon & Garfunkel's "For Emily, Wherever I May Find Her" and "See Emily Play" by Pink Floyd, with lyrics specifically about Emily playing her character in "A Quiet Place."


Maisie Williams - "The M.A.I.S.I.E. Age"
The long gap between seasons 5 and 6 of "Game Of Thrones" gave young Arya Stark a chance to spread her "dragon" wings and fly … as a solo artist. Unfortunately this dated pastiche of early 90s hip-hop is not helped by the likes of "Maisie, Maisie (Bicycle Built For Two)."


John Slattery - "Slattery Will Get You Everywhere"
The title might be the best thing about this dire attempt at pop stardom by the actor known for playing Roger Sterling on "Mad Men." The less said about his hopeless cover of Metallica's "Slattery," the better.

Dream Weaver    Craig's List    Sands Of Time

Sigourney Weaver - "Dream Weaver"
Her so-so cover of the Gary Wright title track doesn't excuse the rest of this tired attempt at sultry chanteusery, especially with shenanigans like "(Saturday) Night Weaver" and "Me So Sigourney."


Daniel Craig - "Craig's List"
He may make a fine James Bond, but Daniel Craig sounds a little more shaken than stirred on this, his second straight unreleased solo album, following 2015's dismal Ain't Too Proud To Craig.


Julian Sands - "Sands Of Time"
Attempting to capitalize on a career in which even most of his ardent fans aren't quite sure what he's appeared in outside of "softcore" in the general sense, Mr. Sands made a brave try here with tracks like "Sands Of 1,000 Dances" and "Put Your Sands In The Sands."

Peet-Moss    Bakula In Black    Kourt And Spark

Amanda Peet & Kate Moss - "Peet-Moss"
On paper, this self-proclaimed "supermodelgroup" (never mind that one of them isn't even a regular model) might move units in certain fetishy parts of Asia, but the actual product is pretty much pure malarkey, from the would-be single "Payin' The Cost (To Be The Moss)" and a truly poor choice in "The Peet Is On" (sadly featuring Glenn Frey's last recorded fart).


Scott Bakula - "Bakula In Black"
Years after "Quantum Leap," Scott Bakula tried to prove himself still a master of time travel with this generation-spanning collection of oldies, but even hardcore Bakuliites were left shaking their heads "Oh Boy!" Worst tracks include "Bakula On The Chain Gang" and the insipid "My Boyfriend's Bakula."


Kourtney Kardashian - "Kourt And Spark"
The seemingly endless barrage of Kardashian media saturation didn't get much purchase with this half-baked piece of complete bullshit. Perhaps Ms. Kardashian should have layed off the autotune as well as song choices such as "Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Kardashian."

Lonely Boyega    Whitman's Sampler    Ina-Gartta-Da-Vitta

John Boyega - "Lonely Boyega"
You can't blame John Boyega for wanting people to know he's so much more than a fast-talking Jedi, but this collection of gloomy tunes was never going to change hearts and minds regardless what side of the Force they were on. The Andrew Gold-penned title track and a half-hearted "Let's Hear It For The Boyega" ensure the party never gets started.


Meg Whitman - "Whitman's Sampler"
Eschewing both business and politics for this ill-fated "pivot" into experimentation with the E-mu SP-1200 sampler, Ms. Whitman proves that none of these things is her strong suit, especially with the utterly preposterous "Take Me Whitman U."


Ina Garten - "Ina-Gartta-Da-Vitta"
The only album on this list made as a tie-in to a cookbook that also went unreleased (Cookin' In The Psychedelic Shack With The Barefoot Contessa), Ina Garten's foray into psychedelic rock music makes Mrs. Miller seem like Mitch Miller. The lumbering title track takes up a full side, while the remainder is peppered with throwaways like "Hold On, Ina Comin'."

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