| "Tackling" the 2019 Football Season!
The wait is over, sports fans – it's time to bring the old bearskin out of cold storage and get ready for another exciting year of NFL action! The American pastime is hotter than ever, and things look like they're really going to heat up as we head toward the Big Game: the Super Bowl of course! There have been so many gigantic changes in the NFL in the past year, and it's anyone's game. Last year's champion Denver Broncos have lost both their head coach and star quarterback to arbitration, and so it really remains to be seen who will come out ahead. This article will give you everything you need to know to prepare for the most exhilarating season since the underdog Cowboys beat the fearsome Redskins in '93! Go long!
Well that's it, football fans! Be sure to download a copy of the Loud Bassoon Unofficial Playbook '19 which has bios and gossip about every player in the NFL and USFL-2, as well as my predicted statistics for all 17,139 players. Remember, if you can get closer than I do to predicting all the statistics with accuracy, you may win a chance to see the SUPER BOWL on June 19, 2020 – to be held this year in Las Vegas, Nevada, home of the Las Vegas Grin. 🏈
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The season got off to a thrilling start last week with many winners and losers, the most surprising of which was the Seahawks' heartbreaking loss to the Chicago Bears in double overtime. The Hawks were playing to win, but they couldn't pull it off against Mike Singletary VI's "wall of steel" defense line. Singletary VI has proven himself to be the best coach the Bears have had since Halas (sorry, Mr. Ditka), with three consecutive seasons of increasingly impressive wins. Last season they finished up 25-7, leaving me to speculate that they could be in contention this year, with a lot of drive and focus. Tight end Walter Payton, Jr. is unfortunately out for the season, suffering from the same kidney ailment that hounded his father, so our prayers are with them both as we look to another winning season.
The team to really watch this year is the St. Louis Browns, recently re-re-located from Cleveland and playing in the brand new Checkerdome 2020, financed in part by media magnate Rupert Murdoch with rumored Nazi gold. The Browns are boasting the best front-line since the '68 Heliocentrics (later renamed the Steelers). John Elway will lead the pack fresh off his last-minute trade from the Penguins, and together with passing receiver J.J. "Sousaphone" Jones, you couldn't ask for a better battery to charge up the Browns. Their disappointing finish in last year's wild-card derby (they went 2 for 7) might stand a chance at redemption if coach Kenny Loggins can keep them on track. Loggins is struggling in the position and hasn't had much support from the local sports media, but objectively I'd have to say that he's doing a great job, and might yet prove to be as good at winning Super Bowls as he is at garnering Grammy Awards.
Shake-ups in management have affected several teams that were previously considered to be among the most bankable organizations in the league. The Nationals have been merged with the 49'ers to form a huge team that has not yet been named (the inside scoop is that they will be called the Doublebacks). NFL rules do not specifically prohibit double-sized teams from taking the field against regular-sized opponents, but obviously many coaches are up in arms about this situation. When you think about it, 19 to 9 is hardly a fair game. But at least this is far from the gimmickry of the new USFL-2's Milwaukee McCartneys, which not only uses double-sized teams, but only recruits players bearing a passable resemblance to the famous former Beatle. Needless to say, they have a terrible record so far in preseason play, and they're just another reason that purists like me wish that the game would return to its roots (especially the leather helmets). Some teams are so desperate for ticket sales that they've taken to WWF-style theatrics like exploding 50-yard-line mines and snipers hidden in skyboxes. The recent tragedy at the Arizona game, wherein four members of the marching band were picked off by one of these league-endorsed ruffians, should illustrate how that sort of notoriety is not doing the sport any good.
Sizing things up, I'm going to have to predict the Boston Umpteenths for the championship this year, in a narrow victory over the equally skilled Puerto Rico Ricky Martins (formerly the Tampa Bay Buccaneers). The Patriots are looking good, led by John McEnroe Jr., but there are far too many opportunities for them to have a catastrophic bus crash during their rigorous road schedule to actually peg them to go the distance. But don't count out Buffalo, who have consistently had excellent gambling averages despite mediocre play. Sometimes it seems like they are intentionally throwing games, but football diehards like myself never believe negative hype.