Pepsi One

Significantly worse than regular Pepsi, but a bit better than Diet Pepsi, the one-calorie Pepsi alternative Pepsi One is a fine soda for those who seek the false sense of total competence that caffeine provides, but wish to avoid the ballooning ass and thighs that come with consuming hundreds of thousands of calories per day.

Like many diet drinks, it tastes kind of salty, but it's essential to my new calorie-reducing diet regimen. Why, I've lost nearly one pound by switching to Pepsi One, bringing my weight down to 856 pounds. I am so proud—I nearly even refused a box of Ding Dongs that my boyfriend brought over. He's a fold-fucker, that man of mine.

Loud Bassoon rating scale

Review by Mary Manilow