Lifeforce (1985)
Directed by Tobe Hooper
Written by Don Jakoby & Dan O'Bannon

Tobe Hooper musta done something to piss off Hollywood's #1 director Stephen Speigler, because, as a follow-up to their brilliant collaboration on Poltergeist, Lifeforce is more like Lameforce. Lifebores? Heartbeeps?

Story follows a group of astronauts on the space shuttle who discover a huge alien spaceship hidden in the tail of Halley's Comet, which turns out to contain a beautiful naked lady (Mathilda May) in suspended animation. The rest of the film takes place in London, where the naked lady awakens and starts spreading an alien virus (of sorts) that turns people into "energy vampires."

Space shuttle? Halley's Comet??? Naked energy vampires spreading viruses after making out???? Hello, people! If this isn't a total rip-off of the searing AIDS drama Longtime Companion, then perhaps I need to re-read my VCR instructions. It's like they're written in Japanese.

There's no actual hero in the film, though Steve Railsback (of Cockfighter fame) plays the only surviving astronaut who's somehow telepathically connected with the naked lady. And who wouldn't be? She spends half the film walking around in the exceptionally perky and bodacious altogether, wooing men into a fatal embrace like some kind of hot naked space vampire.

The film devolves first into a fevered hunt for the naked chick – understandable – and then a strange doomsday/outbreak/mass hysteria nightmare in which London is quarantined as a result of rampant energy vampirism.

Along the way, we meet a space vampire hunter, a bunch of typically stupid guards, and a pre-Next Generation Patrick Stewart as the head of an insane asylum. Strangely, he looks no different today that he did almost 20 years ago. Maybe he's an energy vampire. Wouldn't that give those Hollywood fatcats something to chew on while they're raping 13 year-olds with their Academy Oscars? And wouldn't you, dear reader, like to read at least one Loud Bassoon review that didn't contain a reference to child molestation?

None of Lifeforce makes any sense, and it comes off as a cheap imitation of a lot of other movies, most notably the old Hammer House of Horror films from the 60s and 70s, complete with an almost entirely British cast, mostly bad effects, and terribly slow pacing.

That's not to say it doesn't have a few things going for it. Space shuttles and Halley's Comet are cutting edge plot devices, as we all know. The scenes of the space vampires awakening in urgent need of more life force are pretty creepy – the creatures are all the weirder for clearly being puppets as opposed to computerized creations (a lot of current films would do well to use old-fashioned effects first, and CG effects as a last resort).

Plus, there's plenty of room in this guy's viewing schedule for a naked space vampire with huge titties and a painstakingly shaved pubis.

On a final note, the "performance" of Mathilda May's exceptional nakedness has actually spawned – in addition to an infinite number of soiled tissues stuck to countless copies of Cinefantastique Magazine #142 – a term used (according to by gamers to define: 1. an attractive female with stunning breasts; and/or 2. pejorative term for a gamer's attractive girlfriend. Haha! Gamers are such nerds!

… He wrote, at midnight, on a Saturday night. Sigh. The Babylon 5 Season One DVD Box Set ain't gonna watch itself.

Review by Crimedog