 Police Academy 7: Mission to Moscow (1994) When Bubba Smith and Marion Ramsey turn down an offer to do a Police Academy movie, you know it's bad news. Amazingly, Mission to Moscow far surpasses all of the previous films in sheer stupidity, ineptitude, sloppiness, lame-osity, and unfunny-itude. Things start badly, for this is the first in the series that forgoes an opening city shot and instead tries for "well-done credits." Let's face it, a large part of the enduring "appeal" of these movies is that they're all exactly the same, so you know what you're getting. To screw with this time-tested formula is to anger the Gods of cinema (and piss off everyone at alt.movies.fan.police_academy). From the credits, it's straight downhill, and fast. Plot: The Russian government calls on the gang to help bring down a Russian mobster who is trying to take over the world by making crappy video games. So our ragtag band of cadets ventures to Moscow, where moronic hijinks ensue. The obligatory Guttenberg Substitute is a neurotic cadet played by Charlie Schlatter, who makes Mike McCoy (Nick from PA6 and 7) look like an actual Movie Star. After five long years, we finally learn the answers to the following questions: Will Tackleberry solve a problem using his gun? Will Larvell use a crappy sound effect to mock someone in a position of authority? Will Callahan wear a revealing outfit to show off her enormous, sagging breasts? Will Captain Harris finally get the humiliating comeuppance he deserves? As you might guess, the answer is "YES." So much the worse for the roughly 18,000 people who saw this in the theater, amounting to a laughable $126,247 gross. In fact, the box office take is about the only funny thing about PA7. That, and the bizarre way in which everyone in Russia, and all of the computers, apparently speak and understand English. But only, of course, when it's useful for the "plot." As for jokes, well most of them literally don't make sense. I couldn't even explain them to you and do them any justice, except to say that a running gag has jugglers and acrobats in nearly every scene. Anyone watching this film does garner the dubious honor of witnessing the absolute worst joke in the entire PA series (and possibly in any movie ever), when Harris, attempting to spy on the mobster, gets an eyeful of dog piss. Also, the characters turn up in totally random places with no explanation – like how is Larvell the bartender at the mobster's private club, and Callahan a piano singer there, and Tackleberry his personal valet? What the hell??!!?? It's totally unexplained. Plus, we get to behold a stagnant romance between Charlie Schlatter and a beautiful Russian interpreter (um, guys, since everyone already speaks English, why do you need a freaking interpreter?). The interpreter is played by the single best-looking female ever to appear in any PA movie – the young, utterly fetching, and completely luminous Claire Forlani, who somehow survived PA7 and later starred opposite Brad Pitt in the almost equally horseshitty Meet Joe Black. I can only imagine the copious drugs and alcohol she must have had to take in to get through her kissing scene with Charlie Schlatter – or the whole misguided movie for that matter. Top it all off with a score stolen from your local merry-go-round and yet another listless 20-minute chase scene, and what you have is one of the worst movies ever contemplated, let alone made. Thank God my screening of this and all the Police Academy movies is finally, mercifully over. Can I have my $20 now? What, you said twenty doll hairs? Well, fuck. Box Office: $126,247
Review by Crimedog |
