Looking a Gift Bag in the Mouth

Out of the Bag or, Looking a Gift Bag in the Mouth
by Snaithbert Collins

Item #1: "The Grudge" Hat

Back in my salad days I used to go to a lot of free movies, since I wrote reviews for the local college rag. That paper wasn't suitable to wipe your ass with (not like I didn't try) but it did give me the chance to attend press screenings. A lot of the time they'd give out promo junk like buttons and hats, the idea assumedly being that if a movie sucks, a T-shirt or a hat bearing the name of the sucky movie will entice the reviewer to throw an extra star onto the review. Didn't quite work that way for me, but it was nice to have an endless supply of gag gifts on hand, to give out at housewarming parties, etc. "Wow, I love your new place, here's a Sneakers hat." "Oh man, your baby is cute, here's an Innocent Blood button for him."

I think it's safe to say that somewhere, some punk-ass college student will be soon be handing someone a The Grudge hat, patting himself on the back for saving money on a gift and getting rid of garbage at the same time. The hat bears Chinese writing on the front (Chinese, apperently, being VERY "in" right now) and the words "The Grudge" on the back. Without the words on the back, this hat would be semi-OK. Mainly because most people (outside of China, that is) can't speak Chinese, so you could tell people different stuff about what the hat actually says. You could tell people it says anything from "I Love Blowjobs" to "What Would Jesus Do?"

Unfortunately, movie studios don't make shitty hats just so smart-ass people like me can have items that ostensibly proclaim their love of fellatio and/or Jesus. Hence, the words "The Grudge" on the back, which basically scream out (to anyone standing behind you) that this was a free hat for a movie that will almost certainly be instantly forgotten.

Add the fact that it's a very poorly-made hat that doesn't fit any human head (unless you're a mutant) and the words on the back of this hat might as well be "I Came Out Of a Gift Bag!"

I know nothing about the movie this hat is advertising, but I do know it's a remake of a good Japanese horror movie and that it stars Sarah Michelle Gellar. Translation: bring the hat to the movie theater with you, so you'll have something to shit into.

Item #1: "The Grudge" Hat
Item #2: "Gene Roddenberry's Andromeda" Novel
Item #3: "Gene Roddenberry's Andromeda" T-Shirt
Item #4: "Stargate: Atlantis" Postcard
Item #5: Cinescape Magazine
Item #6: The Top-Secret "I, Robot" Pin
Item #7: Monster Energy Drink
Item #8: Neutrogena Body Lotion
Item #9: The Bag Itself

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