Looking a Gift Bag in the Mouth

Out of the Bag or, Looking a Gift Bag in the Mouth
by Snaithbert Collins

Item #7: Monster Energy Drink

I find it difficult to believe that anyone would ever intentionally create a beverage that tastes like it passed through the urinary tract of a sick old woman. Which leads me to believe that the makers of Monster Energy Drink must think that they've created something that tastes good. However, I'm here to tell you: they're wrong. O sweet God, are they wrong. They're so wrong that they go all the way around and come back again until they're almost right. Now I know that doesn't make sense, but trust me, that's how wrong they are. Monster Energy Drink is perhaps the foulest tasting beverage this side of Mello Yello, or even Diet Like.

Monster Energy Drink basically raped my taste buds and left them sitting a shower with all their clothes on, weeping about how the dirt won't come off. If Satan himself pissed into a can, slapped a label on it and began selling his urine, the makers of Monster Energy Drink could sue our dark lord and master for stealing their formula.

Even worse (possibly) than the beverage itself is the "extreme" can that it comes in, which is festooned with words like "wicked," "buzz," "mega," "killer," and "unleash the beast." I haven't seen this many stereotypes in one place since Al Jolson's final show, "Blackie & Redface Go to Mexico." I'm surprised they didn't stick "outrageous," "in your face," and "let's rock" on the can while they were at it. And why stop there? Why not add other classic overused expressions, such as "sit on it," "hang ten," and "cheesit, it's the cops?"

Somewhere some advertising guys are sitting at Hooters, eating buffalo wings and patting themselves on the back for coming up with a can design that will reach the nation's young people; the extreme snowboarding, bungee jumping, in-your-face, hard-rocking young turks who grab life by the balls and then grab a Monster Energy Drink. And then presumably grab a bucket, lest they vomit all over their snowboards.

One amusing thing about the can is that near the bottom, in very tiny print, appear the words: "This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease." I really really enjoy that. I guess they had to put that on the can for legal purposes. Because anyone dumb enough to drink Monster Energy Drink might also believe that the act of drinking Monster Energy Drink can actually help cure diseases. Now, if I'm wrong and it actually does, then I apologize to the makers of Monster Energy Drink. But I'm fairly certain Monster Energy Drink is more of a lame soda masquerading as an energy beverage than it is a cure for disease.

True, it does contain "L-Carnatine" and "Taurine" (both of which would make excellent character names for "Gene Roddenberry's Andromeda") but methinks the only thing Monster Energy Drink cures is the problem of how to get suckers to throw away their hard earned money on useless garbage.

Still, I'm highly amused by the idea of cancer patients chugging this stuff by the case, on the off chance it's a miracle cure. Or amputees downing a six-pack and then hoping their missing limb will have grown back by the next morning. And you know, it's possible. Because when you unleash a beast with this kind of mega killer buzz, it's very EXTREME!!!!!!!

As for how Monster Energy Drink wound up in the gift bag for the Saturn Awards, that's a real head scratcher. The other items are at least somehow related to sci-fi, albeit in the lamest possible way. One could argue that Monster Energy Drink is what they use to lubricate robots, or it's what Chewbacca drinks after a hard day's work, etc. But I think it's much more likely that someone just said "Hey, what else can we shove into the gift bag?" And someone else said "How about some of those Monster Energy Drinks, we've got 50 cases of that undrinkable shit in the back room."

They probably figured yes, it's vile, but that anyone will drink anything, if it's free. And who knows, maybe they're right. All I know is that if you actually drink Monster Energy Drink, you are indeed extreme … that is, extremely fucking stupid. Go drink paint thinner if you want a cheap buzz and the chance to vomit all over your living room. It's cheaper and has a better aftertaste.

Item #1: "The Grudge" Hat
Item #2: "Gene Roddenberry's Andromeda" Novel
Item #3: "Gene Roddenberry's Andromeda" T-Shirt
Item #4: "Stargate: Atlantis" Postcard
Item #5: Cinescape Magazine
Item #6: The Top-Secret "I, Robot" Pin
Item #7: Monster Energy Drink
Item #8: Neutrogena Body Lotion
Item #9: The Bag Itself

Back to the Beginning

© 2004 Loud Bassoon Online Zine