Looking a Gift Bag in the Mouth

Out of the Bag or, Looking a Gift Bag in the Mouth
by Snaithbert Collins

Item #8: Neutrogena Body Lotion

Remember that scene in Star Wars, when Princess Leia is putting on lotion and then she comments on how tight and smooth her face feels? What's that? You don't? And what's more, you insist there's no scene like that in the movie and there never has been? Well I don't know what movie you were watching, friend. There has to be a lotion scene in Star Wars, otherwise why would there be a tube of lotion in the gift bag for the science fiction awards?

Yes, this item confused me quite a bit, I must admit. It was unfortunate that it was one of the last items I pulled out of the bag, because I was really hoping for some kind of amazing thing that would redeem the rest of the shitty items in there. But what I got … was lotion.

Now for all I know, this may be really good lotion. It may be the best lotion on the market, the stuff the Queen of England uses, etc. I wouldn't know, because I don't use lotion. But I do know that lotion in your gift bag is like socks on Christmas morning. Fine if they're placed right next to a shiny new bicycle, but not so fine if all the rest of your gifts are equally unimpressive.

I was displeased when I realized the lotion was the last thing in the gift bag – the wilted marachino cherry on the very lame ice cream sundae, so to speak. But later when I thought about it, I realized that lotion really was the best possible item to pull out of the bag last. Because nothing can top lotion; there's just no way to sink further. Unless the bag contained festering garbage (I mean literally, as opposed to the purely figurative festering garbage that I'd already found in there), then at least I knew that the lotion must be the lamest inclusion. And there's a certain serenity in knowing you've sunk as low as you can go. Because when you've sunk as low as you can go, you know your next step will have to be a step up.

As for the lotion, I gave it to a ladyfriend the next day and said "Here, you broads use this stuff, right?" She seemed surprised that I had lotion and when she asked where I got it, I said, "Sci-fi awards," like she'd just asked a very very stupid question. Then I walked off amused and pleased that if for nothing else, the lotion came in handy for confusing one of my co-workers. I suppose I could have used it to jack off, but I'm a creature of habit: strictly Dijonnaise and yesterday's socks.

Item #1: "The Grudge" Hat
Item #2: "Gene Roddenberry's Andromeda" Novel
Item #3: "Gene Roddenberry's Andromeda" T-Shirt
Item #4: "Stargate: Atlantis" Postcard
Item #5: Cinescape Magazine
Item #6: The Top-Secret "I, Robot" Pin
Item #7: Monster Energy Drink
Item #8: Neutrogena Body Lotion
Item #9: The Bag Itself

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