Looking a Gift Bag in the Mouth

Out of the Bag or, Looking a Gift Bag in the Mouth
by Snaithbert Collins

Item #9: The Bag Itself

I'm including the bag in my review, because it's the one item that I got that I might actually use someday. The bag is your standard two-handle number, black, and pretty sturdy looking. One thing I know about it is that it can handle a great deal of useless shit. And I know this for a fact, because that's what it was full of when I got it. I'm not sure exactly what I'll use this bag for, but I know what father always said to me: "Never throw away a good bag, you never know when you might need it." Too bad he didn't feel the same way about Mom!

Though I've forgotten almost all of the advice my father ever game me, I never forgot that bit about keeping bags. Which is why as I type this, the bag is safely tucked away under my sink, ready for the day when its services are needed again. I just hope that when that glorious day comes, the bag isn't covered with ants, because I seem to have a bit of an ant problem going on under the sink. But that's neither here nor there, the point is, something good did come out of the Saturn Awards gift bag – the bag itself.

And that's it, my friends. That's the story of the gift bag that once held promise, but ended up being completely useless. Sort of like the last two "Star Wars" movies. Sorry, I just wanted to bring it back around to the sci-fi thing, now that I'm coming down the home stretch.

I wish I could say that I'll use some of the contents of the bag, but alas, that would be a horrible lie. Most of them are gone anyhow, because I stuck it on a table at work and put a note that said "FREE!" next to it. Within 20 minutes, every item was gone, the note was gone, and the table was missing two legs. Which just goes to show that what the Bible says is true: "People will take any old shit, as long as it's free." I'm paraphrasing a bit, but you get the idea.

I'm trying not to let this gift bag defeat bring me down too much. I'm young, I know there will other gift bags in my future. And yet it stings. I feel like a man who dreamed a beautiful dream, only to wake up and find that his testicles were being shocked via tiny electrodes. Not a very good way to feel, believe you me. But I persevere. After all, if Gene Roddenberry can create TV shows 11 years after his death, then I can get back on the gift bag horse and try again. I think I owe Gene that much, don't you?

Item #1: "The Grudge" Hat
Item #2: "Gene Roddenberry's Andromeda" Novel
Item #3: "Gene Roddenberry's Andromeda" T-Shirt
Item #4: "Stargate: Atlantis" Postcard
Item #5: Cinescape Magazine
Item #6: The Top-Secret "I, Robot" Pin
Item #7: Monster Energy Drink
Item #8: Neutrogena Body Lotion
Item #9: The Bag Itself

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